“My heart’ll ache either way
Hey, what the hell, what you want me to say?
I won’t lie, that I can’t deny”
What the fuck? Extremely unpleasant noise pushed foggy images of a leather couch, a dinner table, and an old corded phone out of Heather’s mind and into the ether.
“I DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE! (come on!)”
“Oh FUCK.” Heather silenced her phone before more Fred Durst lyrics could escape. The bus would be there in 4 minutes, her phone was at 10%, her report wasn’t printed, and she hadn’t packed her volleyball gear.
Heather kept up a continuous flow of swears as she threw on clothes and emailed her report to print at school. She found her game uniform in the corner of the closet, and stuffed everything around it into her gym bag before settling her project on top of it. Her colorful words only stopped as she ran to the bus stop with her mouth full of mouthwash.
“Wow. You look awful.” Heather opened her eyes to slits long enough to snarl at Brittany, before shutting them again and letting the bus engine lull her back into a half dream. “But hey, your diorama looks great! I’m going to guess you didn’t sleep?”
“I slept a little, I think.” Heather mumbled. She had been dreaming about the House, and a scrawny boy deciding whether or not to go inside, just like her. She wanted to keep following that dream. It must be why she didn’t remember muting her other alarms. She never makes it all the way to that Nookie song. “Just need to print out my report and we’ll be gucci.”
“You never say gucci. Maybe you should cut one of your classes for a nap before the game?”
“Please, don’t talk about the game. I’m hoping I can steal some caffeine from someone after lunch.”
“You’ll be great no matter how much you slept. Seriously! I can barely keep up with you in practice.” Heather heard the smile in Brit’s voice. She held up a floppy fist for Brittany to bump.
“Thanks dude,” Heather said, putting headphones in to keep anxiety from her fragile mind.
It took all her focus to stay awake and take notes in her first class. More than once she had to bite her lip or try to quietly slap herself. Judging from the turning heads she failed at the latter. But it all kept her from thinking about the match, and how many people would be watching her take the court with bedraggled hair and puffy eyes. How important it was for her future. By the second class she’d given up and decided napping brazenly face down in her hoodie was more important than any notes she could take.
During lunch period, she found she had neither appetite nor distractions. She decided to walk laps around the school, the cold air would keep her awake. A gust of wind tried to blast the door shut in her face, and she pulled her hoodie on. Half a lap in she found herself wandering to a part of the grounds she’d never been to before.
There was a spot behind the parking lot where the property line officially ended and all the smokers gathered during lunch. Heather had always wondered why the school officers just let them do it there in plain sight, but beyond that she’d never thought about that group much. Now her legs carried her straight to them.
She was easy to spot. She had four other people with her who were chatting and laughing, ignoring the world. Serafina’s face remained completely neutral, uninterested in whatever the others were saying. She was leaning against a big rock and using an x-acto knife to work on some kind of wood shop project. Technically you weren’t supposed to have knives on campus, or take projects out of shop class, but rules were never a strong barrier for Serafina.
At the start of freshman year, Heather had heard that Serafina transferred back to public school after her stint at St. James. Heather wondered if she’d ever run into her, what she’d look like, what she’d say. But their new highschool was so large the meeting never happened, and Heather never tried to make it happen. The only other time Heather heard Sera mentioned was when some volleyball players were talking about going behind the school to get weed from some of the girls out there. Heather wasn’t surprised to hear Sera brought up in that conversation, but it made her feel guilty somehow.
“Hey! Serafina!” Heather called out across the parking lot. The whole group turned to look at Heather, suspicion curling their lips. “I’ve got interesting news from Brit,” she said when she got closer. One of the girls in the group chuckled and a guy with a badly done tribal armband puffed his chest out. None of them got out of the way. “Sera?”
Serafina gave her a level stare. “Can I help you?”
“Uh, “ Heather said. “Not help me, exactly.” She looked around at the other kids who had hemmed her in. “Just wanted to tell you what Brittany found in the library.”
“Why would I be talking to you about the library?” Heather’s eyes widened.
“Who’s this?” a short blonde girl asked Serafina.
“No one,” Sera said.
“What?” Heather said. “You told us you wanted to know more, and that we needed you.”
Serafina stood up straight, her full height looming over Heather. “Give us a minute guys. I’ve got to deal with her.” The blonde made a pouty sound as they all walked off. What was going on?
As soon as they were alone, Heather reached for Serafina’s arm. “Serafina, what-”
“Shut up,” Serafina hissed as she pulled back. “Do you want everyone to know we’re planning something?”
Heather’s mouth hung open, “I’m not stupid, I wasn’t saying anything explicit. Jesus.” Serafina took two heavy steps towards Heather, making her flinch.
“And Brittany already told me everything. Everything. My ideas are weird and crazy. You probably think I’m high or something, right?” Heather felt flattened by the intensity of Sera’s anger.
“This isn’t serious to you, but it is to me,” she said in a deep quiet voice. “If I wasn’t serious about it I would never have agreed to work with you, of all people. So if you want to mock me behind my back, if you think this is stupid, or weird, or delusional, now is your chance to back out. I can get any news from Brittany and we’ll do it without you.” Serafina turned and walked away, leaving her post abandoned, and Heather paralyzed in her wake.
Lunch was almost over before Heather found Brittany. She was in line to buy one of the cookies that had just come out of the oven. The line was already looping around the cafeteria and it was clear the bell would ring long before most of them made it to the cookies. Heather stormed to Brittany near the front and heard a chorus of angry shouts behind her. She grabbed Brit by the shoulder. “What the fuck did you say to Serafina? I thought she was just going to kill me!”
“Hey!” said a skinny guy behind them.
Heather gave him a withering glare. “Excuse me,” she said. “But I’m trying to have a personal conversation. I’m sleep deprived and hanging by a thread. If you want to start a fight right now over a cookie, you’d better really value that cookie. Now shut up, and I’ll be gone in a second.” The kid looked away, trying to pretend he’d never said anything at all.
“Heath, what is your problem?” Brittany said, with a touch of admiration.
“Other than the whole not sleeping thing? Serafina just pounced on me when I tried to talk to her. She apparently thinks I’m making fun of her and not taking “this” seriously?”
Brittany furrowed her brow. “That sounds dramatic, but part of it is a little true, isn’t it? You’re not doing this for the same reasons as her. You’re trying not buying into the whole ghost story crime conspiracy stuff. And that’s fine, I get it. Everyone needs a skeptic.”
“I’m not trying to be a skeptic, I’m just…” Scared?
“Look, me and Serafina think it’s worth digging into. She might feel like sometimes, you know, you're looking down on us over it or something.” Heather was trying to find a response when she felt a hand gently tap her shoulder.
“Hey, the line is moving.” The guy from before, still avoiding eye contact.
“Right, sorry.” Heather took the two of them out of the line and they passed into the empty hallways of the school.
They walked in silence for a few moments until Heather said, “I don’t look down on you guys, I swear. When I shoot down ideas it’s more about me than you. I don’t think I’m ready to fully face all of this and I dunno. I guess sarcasm and joking makes it easier to handle.”
Brittany seemed to take great care picking her words. “You have strong opinions about a lot of stuff, not just this. And your sarcasm is so dry it’s hard to tell when you’re joking or actually acting like a know it all.”
Heather’s eyes widened. This was not the day to be hit with this. “I could try to be clearer, I guess? How long have you been wanting to say this to me?” said Heather.
“I dunno. I guess I didn’t really have the words for it until I started talking to Serafina.”
The hair on Heather’s neck stood up. “You guys have been talking about me?”
“No! Not like that. It came up when I told her about the library, and how you reacted to it. We just-I think maybe we just vented and let it blow up a bit.”
Heather rubbed her jaw muscles. She was not cornered. Serafina was not trying to sabotage her life. This was just bad timing and nerves. And a desperate desperate need for sleep. Brit looked at the yellowing ceiling tiles, fluorescents reflecting in her eyes. “Maybe this is more about me than you. When I’m unsure, I assume, and take it personally.”
“We should talk about this again, sometime later. I’m sorry that I made you guys feel like I wasn’t all in on this, or that I was looking down on you. I’ve been wigging out about this ghost stuff too. It’d be hard to judge you without judging myself.”
“I...didn’t take it that personally,” Brittany said unconvincingly. “You’re just a little intimidating sometimes, too cool for school ya know?” Brit smiled..
“If you think I’m intimidating you should have seen Sera just now. I never want to see her make that face again.” Heather took a deep, almost rattling breath. Staying calm while her adrenaline was screaming at her to do something felt nearly impossible. “I’ll try to tone down the uh-the elitism. Just, please don’t talk to Serafina about me when I’m not there. My relationship with her is already not great, and I have too much else to worry about to deal with that now.”
“Okay understood. Honestly I had no idea she’d get that worked up.”
“We have a history, I’m sure you’ve noticed. Sera’s mom is a real weak spot for her. Always has been. But I don’t know more than that, she’s not the sharing type.”
“You trust her?” Brittany asked.
“I don’t have any reason to, but, yeah I think...”
“I do too. She’s doing this for her own reasons but she seems probably more invested than both of us. If this is all about her mom, and she can trust us with that, I can trust her.”
“I still don’t think she’s told us everything, and after this freakout from her I’m not going to just stop being wary about the whole thing.”
Brittany rolled her eyes. “Heather, you can’t both be dramatic.”
“I’m not being dramatic! And if it was a choice between the two of us, I’m on two hours of sleep. So I call dibs.”
“I have a hunch Serafina’s just nervous we’re going to bail on her, or get her into deep shit because we’re not really good at all this sneaking around stuff.”
“Or maybe she’s worried about what we’ll find.” Heather said. A tone signaled the end of lunch but the girls didn’t move.
“Just keep in mind when she’s being brooding and edgy, she does have more to lose than we do,” Brittany said. “If this goes bad my mom will probably get me out of trouble, and your reputation can take a few dings. But if someone catches her…”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Heather said, feeling guilty. “But we shouldn’t go into this keeping secrets. It’s all getting way more complicated than it was supposed to be. I’m so tired and I honestly don’t know if I even want to do this anymore. Not with the warnings and the candles and an unstable accomplice…”
Brittany shrugged. “Then talk to Serafina. You’ve got to figure it out soon. Halloween is tomorrow, and we do it with or without you.”
….. ….. ……
That night before I went to bed I called my best friend Julia. She was the only person I knew, aside from Rick, that wouldn’t put me in the nuthouse for what I was thinking. And unlike Rick she would want to help me because she cared, not for entertainment and a chance to brag about love spells.
I pulled the kitchen phone cord around the corner into the mudroom and dialed Julia’s number. I spoke in a whisper, telling her about Rick’s ‘Dear Celestial’ ritual and what I planned to ask.
“This is a pretty big deal David. This is way past just reading about local history,” Julia whispered from the other end..
“But you get why I’m doing it, right? Why I need to?”
“The native you described doesn’t even make sense. The Wompanoag or Narragansett didn’t wear stuff like that. Your dream sounds more like a cartoon version of a Plains Indian.”
“It’s a haunted nightmare Jules, it already doesn’t play by the book,” I said.
“What I mean is if it’s a ghost or something, wouldn’t it look like a ghost from here, not Nebraska?”
“So you think I’m making it all up?”
“No, I didn’t say that. The whole thing is definitely weird. But that part could have just been a dream. You remember what we went over in science last week?”
“We both know I don’t.”
Julia laughed. “Mrs. Avery said ‘don’t try to make your results fit your conclusion. Your conclusion should fit the results.’ You could be overlooking something important. Or confusing it.”
I sighed. “You’re probably right. But I’ve got to get results first before I overlook something.”
Julia was quiet for a time, and when she spoke it was with a much gentler tone. “ I get it Dave. I just feel like there has to be a better way to deal with all of this.”
I’d called Julia for her rationale, because some part of me knew I needed pushback. But I still winced. “Come on Jules. Not you too.”
“I’m not saying your dad got on the bad side of a drug deal, or left your mom or any of that other trash! But actually trying a ritual just seems… extreme.” I was ready to fire back, but she kept going. “You always say that thinking about those things draws them in towards you? Well, doing something like this is going to be like calling them with a megaphone. And if they work the way your websites say they do, they’re going to be with you forever, no matter who your letter reaches.”
I smiled. I never should have doubted her. She wasn’t worried about me being crazy, she was worried that the ritual was unsane. “You’re right. If this works, there’s no going back.”
“ I’m not going to talk you out of it, am I?”
“No, not this time. I have to know.”
“Just, if it works... don’t rush into anything. Talk to me first? And make sure you find out what you’re talking to! And if it doesn’t work just… find me at lunch either way.”
“Thanks, Julia. So much.”
Someone shook Heather awake. “Hey, study’s over,” said Justin, the band kid that sat behind her.
“Wha?” Heather saw the classroom was empty and felt drool on her chin. The clock showed she was going to be late for the next period. She almost tripped getting out of her desk.
“Fuck fuck fuck fuck,” Heather was panting when she got to her locker. If just one flight of stairs wore her out it wasn’t a good forecast for the varsity match. She spun the dial on her lock. The halls were already clear, she was going to be late to bio. But maybe that’d help her make a grand entrance with her…
Frozen terror sliced into Heather, her breathing coming in labored gulps. Her diorama was gone. How could it possibly be gone? She threw her books out onto the floor, knowing there was no way her work would be under them. “No no no no, this isn’t happening…” She put her hands on her head and tried to remember every step she’d taken since leaving her house this morning. But her morning memories were buried in a sleep deprived fog. Did she leave it on the bus? She wasn’t in the school's “designated cell phone use” area but she didn’t care, she called Brit right away. But the call was declined. She must be in class already. She called her mom, asking if she’d had the diorama with her when she got on the bus, and got an unconfident yes.
Heather shut her locker and walked robotically to class, mind fruitlessly searching the haze for any idea of what she might have done. But she’d been falling in and out of sleep so much all day, she was having a hard time pulling her memories apart from her dreams. But no, she had to have put everything in her locker. Where else could she have set it down? What was she going to do?
She walked into bio class and couldn’t even form words to explain why she was late. She knew the policy for missed midterm projects. She’d have immediate detention after school, where she’d be instructed to finish as much of her assignment as she could. It was non-negotiable. She’d miss her game. Her varsity debut.
Students stood and presented their work, and Heather heard none of it. She only saw Katherine’s smug from across the bench. Welcome back to where you belong. She could see the parents in the stands cheering on whoever replaced her. She thought about all the sprints and morning runs, all the wall sits, all the stretches. She thought about the chalk marks on the wall showing her vertical getting higher every month. She thought of all the tired days scrambling to make up work or catch pieces of extra sleep. What would her team think, when they lost to Somerset because there was no backup for Heather, only to find out why she wasn’t there?
At the end of class Mr. Eddy came over. “This isn’t like you Heather,” he said, just like she knew he would. She tried to explain, showed she had the essay portion, but he just shook his head. “I’m sorry that happened, but I can’t make an exception for you.”
“Please Mr. Eddy, I really did the project, I swear.”
“I know this isn’t fair. But this will happen to you in college, and in the real world. The time to start learning to deal with it is now.”
She’d never hated a teacher more.
Heather broke the news to her coach between classes. She could see Coach push down her anger and disappointment. “I believe you Heather,” she said in an unconvincing voice. “Don’t worry about the game. Focus on getting that assignment done, your grades are more important. We’ll find a sub for the game, and the season will stay on track.” She was talking to herself more than Heather.
I’m in purgatory. Heather wrote out the same data she’d just struggled over 10 hours earlier. If she rushed, maybe she’d be let out in time to catch the second half of the game? But coach wouldn’t let me play, not after fucking up and missing the first half. She set another layer of cardboard down and glued her new graph to it. And watching Cynthia play in my spot would kill me. God, why is this happening to me? Because you waited until the last minute. You chilled in a hot tub and went book shopping and scrolled endlessly through your phone instead of making a simple fucking graph. And now you have to do it twice.
Her hands moved faster, well practiced by now. Heather’s focused frustration made quick work of the diorama, finishing it in only two hours. Two hours, that’s all it would have taken her if she’d done it weeks before.
Despite everything she felt a little pride when she set it down on Mr. Eddy’s desk. He waved her off with a sigh that said “now we can stop wasting each other's time”. Heather sprinted straight to the locker room to get in uniform. Even if she wasn’t playing she had to support the team. She was a Swan, they’d do the same for her.
But as she ran to the locker room stairs she caught a glimpse of something colorful in the big metal trash barrel that was usually used to prop open the back door. She recognized it right away. She reached into the barrel, pulling out the shredded remains of her original diorama. Everything fell away. Her eyes traced the torn edges of the cardboard, the stretched pieces of glue. She felt dizzy. Who would do this?
With measured footsteps she climbed the stairs to the locker room. The ambient light from the hall illuminated the soap scummed tiles just enough for Heather to change in the dark. Only Brittany knows my combination, and she would never. She would never. Did somebody stalk me, watch me put my combination in? They’d have to know that this project was important, they’d have to know this day was important. No, no one could possibly have cared that much. You’re paranoid and need sleep. You probably just left it somewhere and a custodian tossed it. She shoved her adrenaline down into a deep lightless place.
By the time Heather reached the gym, her fury was a hot coal covered in layers of ash. She needed to be there for the team, then she could tear someone apart. She listened to sneakers squealing on the court, players shouting their calls. She waited until a cheer went up for a score and slipped inside. Coach saw her entrance and nodded her towards the bench before returning focus to the court.
The Swans were winning. By a lot. Heather stepped up next to Brit. The whole bench was standing - screaming and clapping. Cynthia was in, and she was on fire.
She was everywhere at once. Sliding across the court saving balls inches from the ground, hugging the net, setting up hits in the perfect spots. “Okay, so I don’t think I’m getting another shot at that position,” Heather said.
“You made it!” Brittany said. “Coach told us what happened. Good to hear you’re not too shattered.”
“I’m pretty shattered. But it’s hard to be mad at that. The right person got her chance to shine.”
“Wow, not sleeping looks good on you. How zen.”
“No no, zero zen. I could punch something to pieces right now.” Heather clapped when Abby blocked a bullet of a hit from crossing the net. “But it’s not Cynthia’s fault, and this is almost over. Then I can sleep.”
“Hey Heather!” Heather leaned forward to look down the line, Katherine was calling to her. “Welcome back to the bench!” she said with a grin splitting her narrow face nearly in half.
Brittany threw an arm on Heather’s shoulder. “Zero zen zero zen,” Heather whispered. “She might be who I punch to pieces. What’d I ever do to her?” Heather said as Katherine laughed with the girl next to her.
“She’s jealous. Just ignore her.”
“Jealous of what?”
“All her sisters were big athletes. Everyone expected her to be. Most people assume she’s a star player anyway. But she just rides the bench. Maybe it eats at her. Must piss her off to be shown up by an honors society nerd.”
“But everyone loves her whether she plays or not! And I’m not a nerd, I just work hard.”
“Uhuh, hey I’m just telling you how she might see you, not what you are. Save your rage for the afterparty. If this keeps up it’s going to be insane. And yes, you are going! You’ve skipped all the other ones. Party, then you can sleep,”
“All the other parties have been so lame. We just sit around a fire and watch people see if they can burn stolen street signs.”
“You’re not helping your nerd image. And you’re doing that judgey thing again. Try to have some fun. We haven’t beaten Somerset by this much in like, decades. Tonight is going to be worth remembering.” But Heather was looking back down the line. She swore she heard personal triumph in Katherine’s laughter. She looked happier than Heather had ever seen her during a game. Any time Cynthia made a hit she shrieked and jumped up and down. Heather’s nails dug into the palms of her hands.
“Brit, when was the last time you saw me with my diorama?’
“Uhh..” Brittany paused clap after a good bump. “Study period, you put it in your locker.”
“Into my locker.” And after study she wouldn’t have had a reason to go back to her locker. So someone had taken her project. Her eyes narrowed to slits as Katherine bounced in place, her very grabbable black ponytail wagging back and forth.
“Hey, Heath, we’re supposed to be clapping. Just hang in there a little bit longer, then we can disco nap and-”
“I think Katherine took my project.”
“What?”
“Someone broke into my locker and trashed my project. I found it in the barrel by the locker room.”
“Okay, slow down. Katherine’s awful but I think something that complicated is beyond her.”
“If Serafina wasn’t pissed at me I bet she could intimidate a confession out of her…”
“You haven’t patched things up with her yet?”
“Dude, when would I have had the time?”
“Good point, but does this mean you’re not coming tomorrow?”
“Please, Brit, I love you, but let me focus on one crisis at a time. The whole reason I’m not in there right now is because someone broke into my locker. And I think that someone is right there. Is she going to the party?” But then there was a thundering smack; Jocelyn spiked the ball straight into someone’s face. The crowd erupted like a kicked beehive and the other team stepped towards the court. Heather was swept forward, shouting back at the other team. For a hot second, she wished for a brawl on the court, with no one able to tell who was pulling whose ponytails, or stomping on ankles.
But the heat scared her, and for the rest of the game, her only thoughts were for her teammates on the court, and the joy of beating Somerset. The injury seemed to rally Somerset, and the score got closer than anyone expected. By the time the final point was called, Heather was storming the court flush with the same euphoria as everyone else. Luther had won, and they’d done it all together. Katherine was in the scrum cheering and clapping as hard as anyone. She couldn’t have sabotaged Heather, because no matter what they all still wanted the Swans to win.
An hour later Heather was heading down to her school locker. Based on the level of hype in the locker room the afterparty might actually be worth going to for once. But Heather was spent. Her adrenal glands were fried to a cinder and she nodded off any time she wasn’t walking. Her books tumbled out of her locker when she opened it up.
“Really, you too?” she said. As she put everything in order, she noticed a paper wedged between her bio and social studies book. Two sentences, scrawled in black sharpie. She didn’t need to recognize the handwriting to know who wrote it.
I told you to keep Brittany out of it. That was your only warning.
Heather laughed. She read the paper again and laughed harder. Soon she was shaking, gasps becoming sobs. A shake down note, from a social studies teacher? Heather struggled to breathe and felt like she was floating away. None of this mattered. This stupid small town, trying to cover up stupid inconsequential secrets, was now interfering with stupid school sports?
Heather wiped tears from her eyes and pulled out her phone. Her fingers shook. She sent one text in a group chat to Serafina and Brit.
-I’m all in.